December 2011
1 post
I forgot that I even wrote that last post. Not much has changed (hence the continued lack of writing), and a lot has changed.
I moved back to the northside, among friends, into a collective house where rent is one hundred dollars cheaper for me (from 262.50 to 156.25), and even that can be worked off by trading labor on the house for $10 an hour. I’m so happy to be living with my partner...
May 2011
1 post
I have not written for a long time, partly because I feel some shame about how I am living my life. Specifically, that I am not supporting myself financially, but rather living off of money that I was given by my dear great aunt. In this culture, at my age, I should have a job. And more to the point, everyone else my age has a job. Well, many of my friends don’t have jobs, but they do...
January 2009
1 post
I’m back in portland from going home for solstice, with renewed focus to remain present to the tasks I have set before myself. Concretely, that means I have decided to no longer use the internet at my house. It’s way too easy access, and I’m addicted to it. I intend to hand over my wireless card to a friend for safekeeping. I notice now that I’ve restricted the internet...
December 2008
6 posts
Tony Vigorito rocked my world. I’ve read both his books now, and I want all my friends to read them.
I’m experimenting with staying present in the midst of people. Not sure how successful I’m being, but it’s fun!
had a great day today- it snowed, helped to run a “taster day” for the program I’m a part of, which included spolin (improv) games and (bamboo)...
“The tragedy in life is not what men suffer, but what they miss.”
– Thomas Carlyle, Tom Brown’s Field Guide to Nature Observation and Tracking
I feel like the guy in the movie, Memento, constantly forgetting what exactly it is that I’m doing, looking around for clues, and getting back on the trail for a little bit. But then, oh!, time for bed, and I’m back at the beginning in the morning, my groggy self not sure what to make of all this I find around me.
Eating is the one sure thing that comes to me easily, so I’ve...
so, i’m engrossed right now with an author that’s new to me- Tony Vigorito. I read Just a couple of days in just a couple of days, just a couple of days ago. At points, it felt like just a collection of little essays on cultural topics, but they happened to all be espousing opinions I appreciated, and so they worked for me, but the book became more cohesive as it went on.
i recommend...
I feel really good about Trackers today. We tracked in the morning, did a plant walk in the afternoon, and closed the day with something new- a “seminar” (discussion) about a short reading that had been assigned. We were talking about craftspersonship and artisanry and the spirit embodied in the materials that we work with, and the meaning in it. I have a really hard time talking in...
November 2008
38 posts
something is shifting
by necessity, a shift is going to happen.
or to say it negatively, if there is no (perceived, immediate) need, a shift is not going to happen.
I feel lost, I’ve lost perspective, forgotten why I’m doing what I’m doing. I feel very near-sighted, in the figurative sense. I can only perceive what is immediately around me, and it doesn’t make much sense. because there’s...
Next summer I plan to visit the Possibility Alliance and roll with the Superheros bike ride and intern (trade labor for skills/knowledge) at intentional communities- maybe possibility alliance, maybe red earth farms, maybe even sandhill.
(I’ve noticed, via looking back in my online writing, that things that I plan on doing a long time in advance usually happen. i like that)
On a positive note, I started using a down comforter on top of my regular blanket and sheet, and so now I’m warm enough (toasty warm) to sleep naked again! I haven’t slept naked since shortly after moving to Portland because I’ve not used adequate covers. And so I’ve been sleeping in long underwear and socks and sometimes even sweaters all this time when I could have been...
I’m tripping on sugar right now and it’s really intense. I haven’t consumed this much sugar in a long time. It’s sugar from egg nog, which I drank about a pint of (the recommended serving size is 1/2 of a cup, at 17 grams of sugar per serving, so 68ish grams of sugar is what I dosed myself with). Lots of stimulations in different parts of my body. Kind of a hazy drunk...
I’m very excited about mead making right now. All things honey related really. Heather mead. Raw honey, adding bee pollen.Very nutritious and healing. Health bestowing.
Also, I just discovered that there is a brewry in portland that serves a heather ale! I’m finally going to try gruit! and then I’ll make it myself! Stephen Harrod Buhner’s book Sacred and Herbal Healing...
The other big thing I feel lacking in, besides creativity, in terms of being a highly sensitive person, is that I do not have mood swings or frequent strong emotions. I really want to regain an ability to feel anger and sorrow, and to be able to cry. I’m pretty emotionally flat most of the time, and that sucks.
Part of it is being raised in this culture (by this culture, not necessarily by...
Dan Bartlett left a comment on my main blog over a year ago mentioning the idea that there are some people who are highly sensitive, he being among them.
In the post preceeding his comment, I state that “I shut out outside stimuli so that my inner calm is not disturbed”. I’m now thinking that that behavior pattern is a response to being highly sensitive, that it is in my nature...
I made fire today! For the first time, I was able to summon flames from rubbing two pieces of wood together. Totally magic. Awesome. I want to do it again.
http://www.timboucher.com/journal/2008/11/23/carnival-culture-08-the-publick-house/
the article at that link makes me think of both my dad (who works everyday to provide hospitiality to people who do not have shelter) and my friend, nathan (who is a fan of pubs, and all things irish and alcoholic).
I have been going through a reactionary period ever since I walked away from my faith in...
“Americans think freedom means no restraint. So I’m free to start a big company and rule ten thousand wage laborers, and if they don’t like it they’re free to go on strike, and I’m free to hire thugs to crack their heads, and they’re free to quit, and I’m free to buy politicans to cut off support for the unemployed, so now they’re free to either...
and another quote, this time from the first essay I ever read by Ran,
“It’s not what you do but why you do it; it’s not where you are but whether you’re moving; and if you keep expanding your attention and doing what makes you feel alive, those are the means that justify all ends.”
Ah! do what makes you feel alive, not necessarily good. Alive, as Ran tends to use...
from Ran’s updated essay How to Drop Out
“6. When you begin to get free, you will get depressed. It works like this: When you were three years old, if your parents weren’t too bad, you knew how to play spontaneously. Then you had to go to school, where everything you did was required. The worst thing is that even the fun activities, like singing songs and playing games, were...
I can’t be sure, but I am probably my own worst critic.
Since moving to Portland, I feel like a spoiled rich kid because I don’t have to work right now. Instead I have the opportunity to listen to my body, how I’m feeling, and do what feels good- move around freely, exploring new things and new places, eating really well. I’m doing it with some intention that perhaps...
Freeters
Twixters
Boomerang Generation
Pretirement
from Weak City
What is pretirement? It’s like retirement, except it occurs BEFORE your career. In short, pretirement is the time where YOU decide how to invest your days rather than allow a corporation/boss to drain your potential. For some, this means doing nothing while others take time to start their own businesses. Realizing that more people might want to know more about the phenomenon that is...
Excerpts from The Male Herbal about my constitution. Analogous to the ayurvedic types- vata, pitta, kapha, this author calls them seer, warrior, monarch.
I have the body of a seer (vata) and the personality/temperment of a monarch (kapha). Here’s the relevant parts:
Monarch- “component of amicable oneness… Steadily, the Monarch component embraces its environment, drawing...
A D.I.Y. Manifesto
Our foreign policy is a fetid glop of belligerent macho and corporate opportunism. Our economic policy is an open giveaway to the same smooth-talking carpetbaggers who looted our lands, stripped our industrial legacy, and abandoned our kids. And nothing more than “discretionary” White House policy is left to protect us from a full on police state. Well then, so be it. We are walking...
we’re all monkeys. well apes, but monkey is a lot funner to say.
just very intricate monkeys, relating to each other rather complex ways. but it all seems pretty simple if you just remember that we’re all monkeys.
we do seem to have an obsession with interacting with our own creations, our own tools, enveloping ourselves in an environment completely of our own making.
odd monkeys....
principles for working collaboratively
from Tony Deis
1) All models are wrong, some are useful 2) Everyone is coming to you as a competent adult, treat them as such 3) Meetings are not therapy 4) Lets get the work done that will actually feed old people and babies for many generations to come 5) #4 requires maintaining a healthy land base and planet 6) Everyone is doing the best with the information they have, get their story 7)...
the 10 principles of burning man
radical inclusion
gifting
decommodification
radical self-reliance
communal effort
civic responsibility
leaving no trace
radical self-expression
participaton
immediacy
I’m getting better and better at self-care and tending to my health. I’m eating well, sleeping well, I’m moving my body and spending time outside. I have almost no trouble passing up sweets now. And I don’t hardly ever consume alcohol either. Or caffeine.
I’ll stop showing off now…
Anyway, it’s easy for me to do that because I’m not stressed out at...
through the frequent retrospective meetings we have at Trackers, I’ve gained the good habit of translating thoughts about things that I wish someone would do into taking personal responsibility to get those things done myself.
having the feelings of passion and responsibility guide my actions rocks.
a bit from an interview with Ran Prieur:
BTF: To “Learn Skills,” you suggest, is one of the best ways to prepare for the crash. Everything from food preservation to mechanical repair can be found on your list of practical talents. What sources can you recommend for acquiring this kind of knowledge. What books or classes have you ...
I’m calling bullshit on that signature strengths test. my top strength is honesty and authenticity? then why do I resonate so much with the character of Charlie from the perks of being a wallflower, who was not forthcoming with his own desires and needs and instead just tried to give people what they asked for on the surface?
I am very honest and “real” with my faults and...
Signature Strengths
My results from a questionnaire found here. The idea (as introduced by Martin Seligman) is that I organize my life such that I get to use my strengths as much as possible, and then I will have a good or a meaningful life, not merely a pleasant life.
Your Top Strength
Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a...
this is what my diet looks like these days when I’m eating by myself. these are the meal options that I habitually choose from. the first three are daily standards. the others are more occasional.
scrambled eggs with onion, garlic, and greens, and sometimes a fermented side (pickle, saurkraut)
whole fat plain yogurt with nut butter and honey (often followed with bee pollen)
sprouted...
Was at a party tonight, called rewildin’ out, and a band was playing. I had the opportunity to work out in my head (once again) that I didn’t need to impress anybody. Really I just needed to respect people’s boundaries, follow the rules of society, and there’s a whole lot you can get away with without breaking any rules, but maybe pushing boundaries, where people will maybe...
I watched a documentary yesterday about the connection between mental illness and creativity, specifically focusing on this one man with tourette syndrome whose ticks go away when playing piano (beautifully). They studied his brain and found that the portion of the brain that is active when being creative is always active for him. He never turns off creatively. He can’t filter all the...
“All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.” ~Tom Robbins
Right now this quote is just what I needed. However, later on I bet I’ll think it’s too black-and-white. Seriously.
It’s 5:19pm and already mostly dark. Falling back for daylight savings is the unofficial start to winter for me.
On the subject of the last post, luckily I’m joining my neofriends for dinner and a movie tonight.
I guess being sick and being homesick are pretty much a package deal, eh?
I need to go outside.
I’m very good at going with other people’s flows, tuning into them, listening to them. If I can do the same thing with life forms who speak the language older than words, I’m probably golden.
So fuck being sick. I’m going to explore Oaks Bottom.
This is personal and boring.
I’m using this as a personal journal or diary, if you couldn’t tell, haha. It’s a lot faster to type than to write, and a lot faster to save than a word document. And I enjoy exhibiting my internal life to everyone else, especially with the safety of distance.
It’s speeding up my thought processes to be processing in this format, and that’s good enough of a reason...
“Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.” -Sofia, Vanilla Sky
to break my old, tired habits, walk away from my hangups, and engage this moment with full awareness. But it feels like such exertion! Like I have to be ON all the time. Like I always have to be pushing myself, to stay focused. Like I’m an electron, and it takes no effort for me to be at this one...
[It should be noted by the reader that I have a fever right now and so my brain is functioning differently than it normally does.]
In the past, I’ve often described myself as avoiding conflict because I fear rejection. But avoidance and fear are both negative. Describing the same aspect of my personality in the positive would simply look like, “I want to belong”.
It’s...
I’m sick right now. It’s the first time I’ve gotten sick since moving to Portland. I actually can’t remember exactly when the last time was that I got sick. It’s not that bad. Just a small cold, which started off as a sore throat (which it always does for me), but is now mostly just a runny nose, a slight fever, and lack of energy. But I still have my appetite for the...
I am not a real person.
I just finished reading the perks of being a wallflower, and that’s my first reaction to it. I’m very much like the main character, Charlie.
I’m going to transcribe a page or two from the book, where Charlie is getting schooled, but it won’t really make much sense to anyone who doesn’t know the context. I’m copying it down here mostly...
October 2008
27 posts
this excerpt from Ran’s essay, The effects of highly habitual people, is where I was pulling the idea of antennas from (referring to my last post):
“I’m … less habitual, and that’s just because I got lucky. Specifically, I feel like people are born with something like an antenna by which they pick up the conventional behavior, and through some quirk of biology, or...
here’s an email I just sent Ran:
i want to point out that the tattoo-like perception of voting is built right into the word itself, which has the same root as vow. so if someone isn’t examining their voting practices intelligently, that’s what the culture-story (which you don’t have an antenna for) is saying.
i have to admit that I’m one big antenna. i’m just...
Each of the past few weekends, I’ve been intending to spend the greater portion of some day, or of the whole weekend, outside in the Oaks Bottom Wildlife Refuge, which is within walking distance of where I live. And I’ve continually not been making it there in the way I want to. I was there for a few hours on saturday with my friend Gabe, which was great. It’s a start, at...